Is there life among the stars?

Long term exposure to rarefied atmosphere can lead to undesirable effects. So, while I did not attend the Sea Otter Classic this year, I can say for certain that there was that element in town that could be classified as "unsavory." Not least of which being the rotten folks behind that evening of bullshit known as the Sleaze Otter noClassic.Yep. Even I, who have been counted among their supporters, recognize they're totally out of control and should be stopped from planning anything more complicated or meaningful than a prison cafeteria menu. Crazy.
It started with the organizer, calling himself "Carmel Bob" (though I have never seen him around), showing up late and clearly half in the bag. He was made up like a wino Uncle Fester. Then, he wouldn't take the whole $6 entry fee, but insisted on us taking $1 bill back so we could "tip [our] bartender". Even the one straight edge kid, who sneeringly told him he didn't drink was told "I don't care what you do or don't drink you still gotta tip your bartender." So, sloppily, we were registered and sent off with no gun or pomp.The manifest was a list of destinations including a trip to Marina (12 miles each way along the bikepath and exposed to a bitter cold wind off the bay that night) to Mortimer's Card Room to find out "what time is it in Barbados?" There was a supposed King of the Mountains cash prime and trophy at the top of "one of the hill climbs".Etc...

What ended up happening? Well, at the bar to which we were routed in Veteran's Park, we stumbled into the previously scheduled Gay Pride Celebration sharing the bar with us. This worked out well for some, who received free beers and cake. I was not so lucky, nor attractive. Hmmmmm, coincidence?At the top of the climb the trophy had already been won (story of my life), so we just drank some beers and then were sent down a dark and twisty (DARK) road back into Monterey. We had to ride to a statue of a sea otter to get a secret clue which directed us to a tatoo parlor, where we found a box of sharpies and the instructions to write "PYT" somewhere on ourselfs, and the reason given was "because of what PYT really meant, suckas!" There were guys in zombie makeup riding aimlessly along the route handing out beers and quizzing us on zombie survival tactics- one of our crew told them we weren't telling zombies any part of our plans, which earned more beers and some raspy zombie chuckles. We made it to the finish at the bowling alley to find the promoter being accosted by disgruntled "racers" who questioned his ruling on the Barbados question...only one group got the right answer, and everbody else's stories weren't matching up in details or the spirit of the thing. The 1st place "winner" (who had not got the correct time) "won" a coffe cup with a picture of some citizen racer which was not only second hand, but coffee stained from use that morning without having been washed! Priceless. 2nd place (who also had not got the correct answer) received a picture frame shaped like a pink brick wall with a little fairy pedaling a bike up the side. He seemed much happier than either of the other podiumers. 3rd place received a much-used saddle that "Carmel Bob" claimed had been donated by Swobo? He then handed out prizes of varying legitimacy to all the riders. Sweet top tube pads from Yanco Pads, t-shirts from Swobo& Surly&Black Cat Bicycles&Poison Spider Bicycles in Moab&Hunter Cycles (t shirts and sweet hoodies), Surly flasks (the look on the yellow jersey guy when the flask went out to some random dude and he had a used coffee cup? wow, I was happy.), wool hats and Jethro tools from Surly, camo hats from Swobo, and more? Yep. The joke was only on whoever could ride their bike to some potentially chaotic and certainly entertaining locales and not have a good time. And yes, the "top"3 got some good stuff, too. I must say, my favorite was the guy who "won" the 2 1/2 foot tall KOM trophy. In order to claim his payout, he was required to bring the trophy with him for the rest of the "race", to the finish. He skipped the Mortimer's leg (which was 24 extra miles by bike) and was denied his cash and dnfed. And, he had opted to ride the thing with no bag! Yes. Hand carried. That trophy had clearly been dropped (or thrown?) several times by the time I saw it at the bowling alley. It was rickety and bent. photo courtesy of the KoM winner...Lord Hayden

Man, I had a Good Time. Big thanks to those who put the event on and helped out! That's a thankless task, so thanks. If y'all don't do it, it won't get done.And to the sponsors, too- thank you. It matters to me, and those who matter, whether a company backs up their "marketing image" with some real support. Otherwise it's all talk. Not so here. If you need stuff, get it from these folks.

What time is it in Barbados? Come on. It's effing PARTY TIME. That's what time it is. A lot of you suckas missed out.