in the interest of clarity

Full disclosure. Fully.

Apprentice mechanic assumes he knows what he is about and takes on projects above his skill level. Takes them on on his own.  Let's say, for example, it is  a ~$9,000 (US dollars) carbon on carbon on carbon road bike with carbon. Predictably, things turn to shit. Apprentice mechanic is gently taken to task by experienced mechanic (which, I am amazed at the gentleness shown) and apprentice mechanic attempts to blame it on the torque spec. This is proven to be a mistake on the part of the apprentice in confounding 2 different steps/bits of hardware. Additionally, apprentice mechanic does not appreciate the actual feel of a torque spec, the elbow torque if you will, so- sure, 300in/lb seems reasonable for an aluminum dustcap in a carbon crank. Etc.

If I were managing this...not clown, but say carnie and feel fair...there would be at least a moratorium on high end jobs. A gut check on the level of competence required prior to working again on high end jobs, and (depending on the attitude exhibited*) a more forceful discussion regarding the importance of maintaining  PROfessional standards at a shop which accepts pay for work.

But. I just work here.




*late edit: apprentice had an appropriately humble response. Good. Lessons learned for all my friends!

visit the Genuine

Or, you know, you could just move on in. It is Tour day France time on planet Earth, and that means the "fans" come out of the woodwork, from under their rocks, and in from the cold. Standing in the bike shop becomes even more the front row seat in the circus of weird obsessions.

I used to really get invested in the Tour, but now I don't even know who's riding. Radio controlled cyborg racing is not interesting to me. Regardless, for the next several weeks it will be a hot topic. People who don't ride will come in and yak it up about their favorite show, and want to get into detailed conversations regarding the merits of ever more complicated shiny bits that they want to consume...but not ride on.

I will sell anybody any number of whatever they want, it's their free choice. I will not, however, pretend to be enthused about...the collectibles. For example, a wood laminate road bike using electronic components that have to be connected to the internet for adjustment (NOT KIDDING). For the sake of what? bragging rights? Who's got the stupidest expensive bauble? I understand there is no inherent Right or Wrong in these toys with which we play. They are just stuff. Some of these toys are tools better suited to make Happiness than others, but I suppose even in that there are differences in kind. Do you enjoy tinkering with stuff that is so finicky/battery dependent/fragile, or do you want to be outside pedalling? You can be sure of which I'd rather do.

There are a lot of folks who just want to have a "nice" bike, as opposed go on a nice ride. People who poopoo the idea of climbing up that one hill because it would be the long commute (when it might add 20 minutes max, if you were sloooooow, but would add 20 times the fun if you were to consider it against the fucking bike path strewn with dogs on leashes, children on leashes, and aerobic joggers on headphones, etc). People who want to debate the merits of tire X vs tyre Y, when they aren't going to ride either of them, just put them on the bike on their wall. People who want yet another bike they won't ride. Collectors, having things. Yuck and gross.

The Tour brings all of these enthusiastic clowns into the tent.



Le sigh. Cycling is not a show on TV (or some hack website) and it is not something you have, it is something you do. Get out and do it. If you must be a collector, collect as many kick ass moments as you can. Collect skids, collect perfectly weighted turns, collect suffering.

f___ all the cool kids

Get a load of this:

on account of I loves me a mixte, even without the (requisite for "real" mixte status in my book, and that's the one that counts) twin lateral stays. Just check it. Locked by the front wheel only, the 1982 Ocean Pacific color scheme, worst possible rear brake cable routing, the bargain knobbies with crazy tread for days, the hoopty seat, and the jury-rigged basket. I love it!



Then it was back to the salt mines, and dealing with The Public. I am constantly amazed by my capacity to be amazed at the state of folks' bikes when they bring them in for repair. I mean, the triathaletes will hand you a bike covered in sugary drink residue and piss! like it ain't no thing. For real. I have caught on to that one, and now politely require they clean their own piss off the bike. But covered in dog hair, feathers, cobwebs, and real live spiders is pretty regular.

I hadda charge this guy for time spent cleaning his crappy bikes. If any of you buffers (keep the customers and rentals away from me so I can do work) are reading this today, I better not catch you waiving this charge because you are soft...


 Walk back out for a coffee, and:

on to the next one. Amazing. Wacky. I heart the shitty, townie mixtes all day long.

this _____'s unlikely nightmare

1st up in the repair stand was a box-to-ship. Fine. We got bike boxes and we got packing materiel. I have mentioned before that I like to do a thorough job. So, in packing the bits, I opened dude's seat bag to put his front wheel QR skewer in there so as to not rattle or damage the bike in shipping. I found a tire lever, a shitty glueless patch kit (honestly- those things NEVER stay on. It's a limp home at best fix), 3 Dum Dum lollipops and this:

...I wear gloves to keep all the chems off my sensitive hands.


Which I knew what it was because I read Drunk cyclist. What with frequently being one, and all.

I set that aside and finished packing the bike. Then I called the contact # and left a message to the effect that I'd found the vaporizer and we couldn't ship it, but that I would hold onto it for him so he could pick it up at his convenience. 10 minutes or so went by and I received a call-back from the contact #. Guy says that he's the customer, and "what is that? It sounds like a drug thing. Is that a drug thing?" I thought he was just messing with me, so I said, "you can put whatever it is you want to inhale in it and inhale it." And he said, "It IS a drug thing! You just busted my son." Well, what could I do but laugh? I said we'd hold onto it for him if he wanted, but he said, "Just throw it away. I'll deal with this."

Guess who's got a good used condition vaporizer.

apparent disregard of taste and fine art

Dude came into the shop the other day with a 1976 Masi Gran Criterium to be boxed for shipping. I don't really dig them, but I know of some guys who do so I packaged it up real nice. Lots and lots of foam wrap and tape and cardboard and zip-ties and newspaper. I'd a taken some pictures, but...you know. The guy sort of gave me the creeps, to be honest. I packaged it well out of love for bicycles and anonymous peoples on the internet, not him. He was in his 60s and spoke with an English accent that may have been put on, and his wardrobe was age-inappropriate. Was it you?

Other guy calls the shop yesterday, and was nonplussed when informed that his 39t middle chainring has not arrived. "But you told me it would be there today." I had no hand in this prior to answering the phone, but I'm a team player and I'd like us all to have our bikes and ride them too, so I explained that, perhaps, the extended weekend played a part in the delay. "I don't even know what to say to you people." Which I particularly like, because I get to be part of a persecuted minority and that is rare for me. I speculated that the part will be arriving in short order- quite possibly in the following day or 2- as I am certain it has been both ordered and shipped. I checked the computer while he was grumbling at me. I assured him we would get right to work on it when the part arrived and call him upon completion. "I guess I just can't trust anything you people [really. again! I love it.] say." I told him I will try and keep a tighter control over the mail for him and hung up. He was such a dick and I was done swallowing. We will see if I face repercussions over this, because our owner is almost maniacal with regard to customer ass kissing.

I showed up this morning to a text from the mechanic who worked on the bike originally, saying he's forgotten to tell the customer he'd installed a new BB ($55 surprise!) because the old one was crapped out. This had not been cleared or discussed. I texted back the above exchange and the other mechanic tells me that dude hung up on him when he was told he'd need a new chainring and it would require ordering. Winner, winner. This whole scenario was effed, because at that point the guy had a legitimate (we should have called and gotten clearance before installing parts- it's common sense, common courtesy,  and even policy) bone of contention he can really worry, and he seems just the type to do so.

And so I set to work on this fine, middle of the road, 7 year old carbon fiber, triple chainring, adjustable stem pointed down and housing not trimmed accordingly, broken alloy chainring bolt, busted free seat tube water bottle bolt insert...bike only to find it hasn't been ridden (or taken care of) in months, and yet dude acts like he's got some rush to ride. As though we were blowing his tight regimen all to hell. I cleaned, carbon pasted, installed, trimmed, replaced, glued, lubed and tuned the hell out of that bike for the love of bikes.

And for the love of a small paycheck. And for industry pricing. If he hadn't been such an ass, I'd have even re-wrapped his bars for him as part of the tune, but he was and I left those unsightly gaps.

We have a separate form on which we document all the details of a tune-up. It's a useful checklist that helps prevent forgetful mistakes and allows for an in depth explanation if the mechanic who'd done the tune is absent, etc. I documented all the little details, and when the guy came to pick up the bike I quoted him the final price, with no mention of details. Then I paused for the explosion. That's my style. I will try to brazen it out if possible. Ask forgiveness not permission, you know. Dude didn't blink an eye, so neither did I.

Fuck it, I'm going bike camping!

this is me being patient

People come in to the bike shop and they ask questions. I encourage this practice. We've all been to the shop that's too nice to talk to and, frankly, it sucks. Lots of PRO egos running around in amateur bodies. I try to be welcoming without seeming (or being) insincere. It really gets under my skin when people ask me questions and then interrupt before I can get through my answer. It's not that they see the end of the sentence coming, either- it's that they don't give a shit what I'm saying. Which is fine, but then why ask the question at all in that case?

This happened several times today, multiply and with different customers.

Also, if you are a team rider sponsored by a shop, you should come in respectfully and politely. !!You are NOT a retail customer!! You should be aware of this, and behave accordingly. Any interactions with you will be immediately dropped if a paying customer comes in. Your needs are secondary at best. You do not merit special attention, much less special treatment and I don't care even a little bit that you were "riding with Levi" the other day. Taking a bike off the sales floor for a 45minute "demo" is well past unacceptable, it is flabbergastingly beyond the pale.

Your part in the arrangement is representing the shop as a positive ambassador, hopefully contributing to the shop culture and ideally bringing more business. Your part is not to suck the staff's time and labor along with grubbing for every deal you can get while throwing around a PRO vibe that makes you look like a cunt and the shop like it supports cunts.

Furthermo- oh. Yes, please continue with what you were saying.

meanwhile...from a secret HQ, somewhere over your head

Aside from all the observations regarding corporate BULLSHIT (at a bike shop?!?) at work(s)- and there are a lot I could make, at this point- I will confine it to addressing the absurdest of "issues". To wit: the way to ride to work is the most direct route.

That is a false statement.

A way to ride to work is the most direct route. The way, in my opinion, is the funnest way. Taking into account your time limitations, and your laziness, and your lack of any substantial understanding of the radness of actually riding (you know, versus talking about riding), and your weather concerns, and your whatever sort of physical limitation it is, and your deep seated need for any ride to be a scheduled and regimented training ride, and your sand bagging, the point stands. If you got a opportunity to ride then you got a opportunity for a real Good Time. Cram some fun in there, and you won't have to fill that void with a bad attitude.

introducing the completely new

Hey regular sized Banker guy who came in with the small banker sidekick that was eating Nacho Cheese Doritos which at first was nerve wracking but turned out OK as he was very careful with his cheese hands: I was wrong regarding the Camber and Stumpjumper attributes and specs. I was parroting what I thought I'd heard (because frankly, those bikes don't interest me enough to memorize the new model year's new newness but that is no excuse). Your screwed up expression of confusion and doubt was the straw required for me to crack the catalog with an eye to understanding a product about which I should be, were I taking myself for a PROfessional, at minimum conversant.

I apologize.

Thank you. I will let this be a lesson to me. Don't be surprised if I turn up at your place of business one of these lunch breaks, having finally found you by systematically casing each and every nearby bank. I will tell you that your understanding of the ride difference was correct and that I was mistaken. I may or may not say that I will continue efforts to give a shit about cycling related issues which may be of no personal import but matter to others, and to refer questions to more interested and/or knowledgeable co workers where appropriate; at least, no more guessing.


















You should get a cross bike.

take no chances

Today at the bike shop.

I had a lady come in and return a $200(I know, neither would I) mountain bike helmet because she "already had a pink helmet" but had wanted a white one to match her other jersey, but upon reflection decided it was silly to spend that money on a helmet just for the color. I was with her so far. Then she wanted to know what the differences between helmets were (shape/ventilation/weight...they all- even (especially?) the kids' helmets have to pass the same impact tests) and which was lighter than the one she was returning. Well, none. That's a big part of why the helmet cost $200 (I know, neither would I). Soooo, X is close in weight but it has unattractive graphics, and Y is close in weight and comes in white- but it's a...a...road helmet.

Yes, but all helmets pass the same- yes, you can wear a road helmet to ride your mountain bike. People do. I prefer road helmets for their streamlined shape and visorless magnificence, and I ride the heck out of some trails. No, but you can wear a cycling cap under your helmet if you need a visor.

I almost laughed because my 1st reaction was: "Oh. Good one." But this poor gal was not joking, she was genuinely stressed.


I (I thought) talked her down and sold her a $60 road helmet (no visor), and credited her card the difference. Then she wanted to know if this helmet didn't actually come with a visor, and had I misplaced it, because the illustration on the box which showed how to properly position the helmet on one's head showed a visored helmet.

But: Even though "the last guy" (wha? I really don't see it) at our shop told her only a mountain bike helmet would suffice for mountain biking, and even though her father told her she "looked like a bug without the visor" causing her to try on the road helmet with 2 different pair of glasses to check for bug-like-itude and ultimately declare it OK, and even though I politely yet pointedly asked her if she were happy with her choice...20 minutes later I answered the call from our sister store where she was returning that helmet because her husband had told her that a road helmet would not work.




What the hell?

People. There is no wrong way to do it. Let yourself go!